Oh 2019 what will you bring?
For once in my life, I have absolutely no freaking idea. For the last five years, I have known how my life was going to go. Or at least have an idea, an outline. During school, I had exams or I had co-op and then when I graduated I had my first job lined up. It was easy, I knew what to expect.
This year? Not a freaking clue. Like seriously I am in a shit. An unknown place; all I know is that I am in Peru until the end of February and then I return to Canada, to reality.
But even that reality is a little distorted. The plan was always to go back to Canada, to my house and look for my next step. However, what happens when all of the sudden that next step involves someone else? What then?
Can we rewrite the stars?
And make a completely different path than we ever imagined?
You see, 6 months ago I made the decision to quit my job and go back to Italy and take up my godmother’s offer to stay with her and help her out at her Gelateria.
It’s not that I hated my job. No. I actually quite liked my job and my team. I mean I drove everyday for one and a half hours, one way to get there! I learned a lot in my first year and I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to have such a great job out of school. Plus my team was awesome. We were a Wonder Woman team, we got along inside the office and outside. It was something really special, I don't know if I will ever find a team quite like them.
I just had this feeling that I had to leave. I had to go back to Italy. To see friends, to see old lovers, to live the fantasy life I had constructed in my head of what Italy was. Two years has passed by since my exchange and every day I felt like I was lying to myself telling myself "I'm going to go back, I'm going to go back."
And so I finally decided to just go. It was a radical decision. Something I didn't even believe I was doing but I figured what was the worst that could happen?
I was young, I had no debts, I had some savings, and I had nothing keeping me where I was. No mortgage, no rent, no boyfriend. I was free.
And so I went. And my life will never be the same.
What I found in Italy was something I could have never imagined. First of all, I found him. And then I found myself.
My whole life I have been independent. I always craved the attention of guys and the idea of romance but I never settled to just have someone.
Then to have someone come along in the most coincidental of ways and have him sweep me off my feet was something I never expected. But it happened and it was wonderful.
I say 2019 will be unexpected because I thought I had lost him back in Italy. However, just like meeting him, life showed me that it can surprise you when you least expect it. And so now somehow, he has found his way back to me.
There is no label of what we are, we aren't even physically in one place but we are connected, in our way, we are together.
And now I am here, in Lima, because I figured why spend the Canadian winter when I could live in Peru for three months with my grandmother. If he had come back into my life sooner maybe I wouldn't be here or hell maybe he would be here with me.
But he's not and I am here until February 25th. So even though I want to sometimes catch a plane out of here, I have to keep working on accepting that I am here; accept that I have chosen to be here in Peru to be with family, to really enjoy this break I have given myself before I go back to figure it out.
I mean when again would I have this chance? To act like I was young (okay, younger) again? Probably not again.
Living in the present is really hard at times. To feel at peace of where you are and not think too much about the past or the future...its not as easy as it seems. Specially if there is something pulling you in a different direction.
Meeting him in Italy really did change things. It's funny how it only takes one second, one encounter and you can find yourself completely in a different position and imagining a different future.
So now, my world is upside down and this new year is full of uncertainty. I really don’t know what is going to happen when I land in Toronto in Feb 25th.
Will I see him again? Will we carry out our plans to be together? Or will I just carry on as I always planned? As I planned back in June before I met him?
It’s scary. It confuses me. I am trying so hard to focus on the now but how can I when my heart is pulling me in so many directions and my mind is wondering at a thousand miles per hour?
So this 2019, I really don’t know what it will bring. I know one thing for sure, I won't settle and I will take risks. I figure I'm in the perfect position to not follow the status quo, don't you agree?
I am determined to make it my year, even if I spend the whole year figuring out what to do with my life. It may “cost” me one year, but I will figure it out.
And if he can be there with me and I can be there with him...well I'll leave that up to the universe. If the universe made us meet in a chance encounter and then connected us again being countries apart, then I believe that it will bring us together again.
But for now, I must focus on the present and the month ahead: January. Some intentions are new and some I have repeated.
Being grateful and living in the moment are ongoing intentions that really help me live my day to day. However, this time I have added "smile more," don't you find that sometimes we have this frown going on and forget to smile?
Well I found myself frowning one day for no particular reason and I asked myself why. There is so much to be happy for in this life! Life is too short to be in a sour mood. We are alive and every day is an opportunity for us to chase our dreams and live a life worth living.
Life isn't perfect. Even on vacation. I hope you guys really take this day to reflect on your year and write up some intentions. I don't do resolutions. I believe that if you want to change something, you don't have to wait for a new year to come, you just do it.
So take it month by month, start with January, and you will find that slowly you will start making changes and live a fuller life.
I wish you all a wonderful last day of 2018 and a Happy New Year!